Ramblings...
So as I drive HOME at 6am, watching the sun rise, I can only think of one song to play on my iPod. Worlds Apart by Jars of Clay.It's been over a year since I have been in the ministry. And God, I miss it. I am not the same person I was then. I am now a professional married gambler who loves to party. Not a bad thing in and of itself, but when I do not feel whole and complete where I am right now, I can only point to one thing missing in my life.
God.
Period. I got so hurt by the last two ministries that I was involved in that I have pretty much turned my back on the church as a whole. I still believe in God, I still believe in Christ, and I am still a follower - but I am not doing so well. Yeah, yeah - I know that we can never do well - but I haven't been putting in my fair share of the effort, you know?
God, take my world apart. I am on my knees. Resurrect the passion that I had in so many aspects of my life that I had one year ago. As scared as I am to write it, I want to be broken. I have no idea what that looks like. I have come way close to going busto twice already this year in poker, so I don't think that is the answer. I have come close to losing my marriage already this year, so I don't think that is the answer either. I know that moving back to Colorado Springs at the end of this summer will be a great thing - but I have no idea what it will take to draw me back to Christ. I want it though. My goals and my dreams remain the same even in my current state of career pursuits. I have made more money for Jared and myself in the past 9 months than I could have doing anything else - and I know that it would not have been wise to go into the ministry in my short stint here in Minnesota. But what lies in the future? I would love to make enough money to pay off my debts and start a camp. I would love to make enough money that our financial future will be secure through just a part time endeavor in poker (upwards of $100/hr is very soon).
But what now? I have made so many connections through poker. I have had so many good conversations with people through poker that I would not have had otherwise. Just two days ago, a friend of mine said, "It's so good to talk with somebody that believes in God, because so many of the people here [that we hang out with] don't.
I'm really rambling at this point. Basically I would love to get back involved in a ministry - I would love to be leading worship in some capacity, I would love to be interacting with kids again. Perhaps if Shay gets this job in the Springs I can help out there. That would be awesome.
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A very dear friend of mine who works at APU recently told me of a conversation she had with her mentee (I love that word.. the person that she mentors). She had no idea what the significance of the crucifixion and resurrection was. How sad is that! God - please never let me forget what you did for me on the Cross. Burn that image from Passion in my mind, and let it be a constant reminder persuading my every daily action. Let me act in light of who you are and what you have done, rather than any other outside influence that I may have. That is so much more important that going to church or any other "religious" act that I can do. Change not just my actions but my emotions and thoughts. I love you, I miss you.
posted by Devo @ 5:19 AM
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