Campfire Stories

Being Authentic Without Being Annoying

Last Sunday I was discussing the movie "Saved!" with my students and we got onto the topic of being real. I was talking about how it is common in conversation for one person to say, "How are you?" and the other person to respond, "Fine." or "Good." Very rarely do you hear somebody say something along the lines of "not good", even though our lives are filled with amazing events, both good and bad.

This spurred an interesting thread. First, it's a generally accepted way to begin a conversation in a non-threatening manner. And it is also generally accepted knowledge that the individual asking the question really does not care to know how you are. So why do we ask the question in the first place? Why do we even waste our time and breath? How might our communities and relationships be different if we actually were authentic in our conversations?

Secondly, when we are asked the same question we more often than not respond with the same non-threatening "fine". We do this for a number of reasons - we don't know them well enough and really don't feel like getting into anything beyond surface level, we don't think that they are interested in hearing about us, or in the event of struggles we don't want to appear weak. We like to wear the face that says, "everything is fine."

I challenged the students to be real in their relationships. When somebody that you are close to asks you, "How's it going?" to tell them. When you ask somebody how they are, be ready and willing to listen. At this point one of my students brought up an interesting point. He said, "But when you ask somebody how they are doing nobody wants to hear some sob story." I can see where he is going with the point. You know the people that are always looking to be the victim and simply love to gripe and complain? Yeah - I don't want to hear their sob story either. So how do we live authentic and real relationships while avoiding the dreaded "sob stories"?

In my opinion several things need to change. First, we need to start answering the questions asked of us. If somebody asks how you are, tell them. They will let you know how interested they are in knowing more. Also, this will begin the developing of a deeper relationship. If you ask somebody how they are, be interested. Ask follow up questions. If they say, "okay", say something like, "Good ok, or bad ok?" Be slow to speak and quick to listen. But most importantly, lets be real. I think we will be amazed to learn about the stories that others in our lives are living.

posted by Devo @ 2:36 PM |